The Creeping Creepshow CreepLocation: Punk gig in Leipzig at Wave Gothik Treffen festival
Situation: I took off my T-shirt during a slow song and stood to one side to cool down in my bikini top. A thoroughly fucked man crept up behind me and hilariously undid it in the manner of a 10 year old. I clasped my bikini to me and turned round to chastise him, and he pulled at it from under my hands.
What I did: Gave up trying to preserve modesty in the face of his yanking, accepted that people were going to see my tits and decked him.
What happened: He kept laughing. Some of the other German punks around were shocked. One gave me his jacket and one held the dude, and I hit him in a big wide loopy John Wayne smack. He showed no indication at all that it hurt. I put on my clothes, walked away and stayed away from him (although saw the end of the gig). Other dudes moved in to keep an eye on me.
What I'd change: Why didn’t I tell the bouncers?!? I guess I thought that because I was just wearing a bikini, or because I was at a punk gig, they wouldn't care: or that because I hit the man, I was in the wrong.
I must also learn to hit harder.
The international linguistLocation: The 390 bus from Euston to Camden, London.
Situation: Dude in his ~fifties sits by me and starts attempting to chat me up, with hey babies, where are you goings, and what are you doings.
What I did: Ignored his first few ‘Hey baby’s, then responded in a made up language for a bit before declaring to the bus 'Hi, everyone: this dude thinks he has a chance with me: does anyone know anyone more his age and level?'
What happened: He persisted in trying to interact with my made up language for ten minutes, until I made a public declaration, at which he looked embarrassed.
What I'd change: Not a thing.
Wandering little fingersLocation: Stiff Little Fingers gig, Hackey, London
The situation: I was wearing a bra with a fishnet top. A big dude, probably 40 or so (I was 18), came over and grabbed my breasts as handles while humping me from behind.
What I did: Grabbed his little fingers and bent back until he let go
What happened: Some crunching. Then he fucked off back to his mates.
What I'd change: I feel I should have warned him first.
The StopCheckLocation: A bus stop in north London, late at night having overshot my stop
Situation: A mid 20s dude came over to the bus stop, asked me what I was doing there, talked to me, invited me back to his place, asked if I was a man or a woman, groped me to check my answer.
What I did: Asked what his mother would think of him groping strange women at bus stops.
What happened: He looked embarrassed and said 'don't bring my mum into this'. Kept talking at me, with less hands, until my bus came.
What I'd change: I would have liked to make him feel more bad about what he was doing. Or hit him. But we were alone.
The 'It's different for a girl'Location: Synthetic Culture, goth night club in London Situation: I was watching a pole dancer perform. When she finished her set she came down and squeezed my tits.
What I did: Said 'excuse me, I don't think we've been introduced'.
What happened: She explained she was horny and missing her boyfriend. I moved on without questioning whether he had tits.
What I'd change: I was too polite. I should have made it clear her behaviour was unacceptable even though she was female.
I have a few more. I should also obviously say I tend to recall the ones which were particularly extreme, or turned out particularly well: there's probably also a load of banal stuff which just slips my mind. I am 1m69, between 75 and 85 kg and have trained in several martial arts, although I am not very good at them and currently extremely unfit. Responding forcefully has never worked out badly for me although I recently read of a case where it very much did, so do be aware.
- Watch out for buses.
- Finger locks get you everywhere.
- Guys at punk gigs are overexcited by breasts.
- Some girls are idiots.